Dealing With Disability

I'm going to take a moment to take yet another departure, as if there were any normalcy to this blog.

Disability.

"Dis-" a prefix meaning: reversal (disconnect); negation or lack (distrust); removal or separation (disbar).
"Disability" 1.anything that disables or disqualifies, as a physical or mental handicap. 2. the condition of being disabled.
"Disabled" handicapped; incapacitated
"Incapacity" 1. lack of capacity or ability. 2. lack of legal power to act.

All above definitions are taken from Random House Webster's Dictionary, 3rd Edition (print)

In general, everyone at some point will be disabled, but I am not talking about the temporary lack of ability. I'm talking about the lack ability to perform or lack the strength on a continual basis (as named above in "condition of being disabled").

Usually, disability comes towards the end of life, when time winds down before the clock stops.
Sometimes, disability is present at birth (congenital).
Sometimes, disability comes only after a trauma, such as a vehicle accident, horse riding accident (think Christopher Reeve-- aka, Superman), natural disasters, or some other (typically) accident.

Disabilities are not always seen, nor are the causes of disabilities. This is particularly true of mental disabilities, which seems to always be in the news these days. "Everyone has a mental problem," comments suggest. In a sense, they are correct, but I'm not going to talk about that particular issue (if you want to know more about that, I suggest reading The Invisible Plague, the Rise of Mental Illness.... and that's all I can see of the title without my glasses on. Run an internet search and you'll find it).

My grandmother was disabled. She was crippled by polio as a child. Dozens of surgeries by a very young age, and still she had to have special shoes, and walked "funny." Yet she married, had 4 children, and kept a spotless house until the early stages of Alzheimer's struck. But there was more than just the physical disability present. Something else existed, and was hidden-- oh the era of "let's not talk about it and then it won't exist."

Let's talk about it! Let's talk about what it's like dealing with disabilities, because at some point or another, we are all going to have to handle someone who has at least one disability! Some of us not only have to deal with the disability of others, but deal with our own as well.

Suffice it to say, I come from a long line of "disabled" people-- on one side of my family I have been able to track mental illness 5 generations, if one includes alcoholism as a 'mental illness' (it falls under the broader category of "addiction," in reality, and is but a slice of the many forms of addiction). On the other side, the disability of generations is a little fuzzier, probably because that side is older, and thus even more part of the "let's never talk about it" generation.

I am breaking the silence. I'm not breaking it about my family members. I'm breaking it on myself. I am disabled-- officially recognized, of late. You can't "see" the disability. I present good form-- I've always been great at acting. But I would give a dis-service to my children if I were to be silent, if I were to pretend it wasn't "real." I chose to go against the grain of previous generations, even before "having mental illness" became "popular" (aka, always in the news), by being honest with my children, and attempting to explain at age-appropriate levels. It started with "Mommy's brain doesn't work right," which is still the expression used in our family.

It's the "simple" explanation. My brain doesn't work right. It malfunctions. It's broken in some ways.

And here's why I'm taking a moment to open up about this. Because no one would think to go up to someone in a wheel chair, or someone who's missing an appendage and say, "Start walking!" or "Grow a new one!" or "If you think you can't...." It's obvious the person "can't," and in general, most people wouldn't ask something so ridiculous. Now I'm not discounting those with physical disabilities-- there are many who are more "abled" than those who have apparently no disabilities. But you don't run up to an amputee and rip off his prosthetic limb. You don't dump the girl out of her wheel chair, or trip an old person who is using a cane. That's not in good form! Everyone knows that!

But how about the comments made to those of us who have mental disabilities? I cannot count the times of "Well, you seem normal," and "If you just thought _______, then you'd be better," and "Is 'that' real?" I know the comments are made out of ignorance, but that doesn't take out the sting. Those comments hurt!

It is comments like that which have prompted me to make this entry. I want to help you not be ignorant. To ask the question in attempt to gain understanding is one thing, to say it just because the thought occurs is rude and inconsiderate. Before making the comment, consider for yourself what it might be like to "lack ability or strength." It's a hard step to take, I know. It goes outside the "norm" of human living, as we are very selfish beings.

To use more 'visuals' to get you to understand, imagine this. You see a person reaching a door around the same time as you. Do you go through first and pause long enough for the person to enter behind you? Do you let the other person go first? Do you just go, and not even think about the other person?

Now, that person is a woman. What do you do? Does the person being a woman change how you would react? Why?

Instead of being a woman, the person is "old." Does that change how you react? Why?

Instead of it being someone "old," it's someone who is obviously physically disabled (wheelchair, crutches, stroke, pick one). Does that change your reaction? Why?

The person is a different "color" than you. Does that change your reaction? Why?

Take notice of this next time you go out and about. Don't just give a 'verbal' answer, but actually take the time to pay attention. The reason for this is, in each situation above, we have long-held prejudices ("prejudice" being "pre-judging" which is not the same thing as racism), usually we have them without thinking about it, because it's how we were brought up or a societal norm. "Treat woman and older people with respect," treat those with handicaps with kindness. Really take a look at what you do when this situation occurs-- and we've all faced it at some time or another. At the grocery store or gas station. Even a partial recluse like me has faced it, being on both sides of the door, so to speak.

Some time ago, I decided to start paying attention to something as simple as the "door" example above. I learned this about myself. I react different according to the other person. Notice I said "react," not "act." I base my actions on the other person's deeds. I have made changes, not in an effort to be especially kind to one prejudice or another, but to be equal to all persons-- young, old, rich or poor looking, all different colors and physicalities. I will usually pause to hold the door for the other person. But if the person is definitely old (like, you know, 55.... hahahhaha... just kidding), I'll allow that person to go first, as a sign of respect. Likewise, when the door is held for me to go first, I go and say "thank you," accepting that it's a sign of respect for being a woman (or that my hands are literally too full to open the door in the first place!). I always say thank you, but I don't always go 'first'. It sort of depends on the circumstances.

Other than for old people, or someone in a wheel chair, walker, or crutches, I'll go first and hold the door until they reach it--sometimes holding longer than I care to, because they are going slower than I anticipated. So, in general, I try to treat each person equally, unless the age or obvious physical factor comes in. I don't go out of my way for someone of another "color," because we're all human beings, deserving of initial respect and consideration.

It may seem I've gone "off topic" on this, but stay with me a moment.

Since I did that little 'experiment' with myself long ago, and changed my behavior, I have been able to set a positive example for my children. Something as simple as holding a door for someone can mean a great deal. I have seen this time and again, as Boy rushes to open doors for people, whether he's going through the door or not! He loves to open the door for people, especially old people or people who are obviously physically disabled. He'll get the biggest grin on his face when they look at him and say clearly, "Thank you! How nice!" He used to beg me to let him open the door for people. Not surprising, since he loves people and looks for every opportunity to interact with others. And, bless his heart, he has a sensitivity for disabled people, old people, and children far younger than him.

Here's the point-- when you pay attention to your own behavior, you can adjust it. Well, assuming you're not mentally disabled! And even then, there are some options at times. When you can understand yourself a little better, then come on over and we can have a little chat about dealing with disability. Because where I lack strength and ability might be your strength and ability to help me, and my strength and ability might be where your weakness lay, and I can help you. This is how we ought to behave towards others.

And when you can understand your own actions/re-actions and behavior, perhaps you'll be in a place where you can sort of understand and accept mine. Every day is a fight for me. I fight for the ability to function at a "normal" level. Not even a "normal people" level, but a "normal for me" level. That's harder than anyone realizes, other than my husband-- and he's learned this only recently! My children are learning as time goes on, and they see me struggle more and more. Because as time goes on, the fight gets harder, I get more tired, and it's harder to act and "pretend" that I'm normal, or that I'm a fully functioning individual. I'm not, nor will I ever be.

All I can do is, every day, get up and do the best with what I've got for that day. The previous day and the next day don't matter. Only today matters, and "today" is full enough!

That's what dealing with disability comes down to-- whether you have a disability or know someone who does-- today. Today, this moment, this choice. And yet "today" becomes a life long process! Time is such a funny thing!

So with that, I'll close this entry. I hope that you not only understand a little more about our family, and in particular me, but also that you'll learn a little bit about yourself.

Dealing with disability is rough-- whether you're the one with it or not. Unique challenges are faced by those on both 'sides' of disability. You can either deal with it, or "walk away." It's a daily choice.

~Cedeham~
p.s.
In one of my favorite movies, "p.s. I Love You," there's a great line said by Harry Connick Jr.'s character. He's "rude," and says, "Yeah, but they gave me a pill for it!" It was said in regards to him not having a 'filter' and just saying whatever comes to his mind. Later in the movie, when he's going on without his "filter" he's asked by the lead, "Did you remember to take your pill today?" Unfortunately, there is no pill that cures ignorance!